i'm okay with not being okay

i've talked to my dad once since christmas (because i wanted to know how to marinate steak). and i haven't talked to my mom since i saw her over christmas break. i don't hug my brothers and sisters and every day i'm afraid they don't know how much i love them. i dont know how to explain how i feel and i get so overwhelmed with emotion i can't express with words that it all just turns into frustration and i make people i love feel like no one should feel. i'm broken and it's the worst feeling in the world but i carelessly break others everday. i'm afraid to the let the intensity and depth of my feelings show and i'm afraid i'll never change. i avoid interacting with people to keep all i'm feeling at bay. but what am i afraid of? i finally get out of bed and God, as amazing as he is, shows me the beauty surrounding me. he shows me the amazing love and safety of the people he's placed in my life. he's surrounded me with people i can't help but love and open up to. in a matter of ten minutes once again my world is flipped upside down, with a flood of emotion and pain i can't erase. but those beautiful people never get sick of me. the big picture reveals it is God in them and through them. it also reveals when the lights go out and i'm back alone in my room my only comfort is in my saviour. my friends get my through the day and i rely on the Spirit of God to bring me through the night, in hope of joy in the morning.